Still Don’t

I spent quite a bit of time filling out applications for colleges today- three, actually. I am kind of excited about going off to college. Especially since I plan to get an apartment with a friend or even a few friends. I am still undecided about what I want to study. I get bored easily, which makes it difficult to find something I might be interested in studying for a number of years… and then making it my occupation for the rest of my life. But I still have plenty of time to decide- so I am not going to worry about it. All I can think about now is the amount of scholarships I have yet to apply for and the number of college applications still waiting to be completed.

I haven’t really been to stressed lately- because I haven’t been thinking about anything. I have gone to the corner in the back of my mind. I sort of dream of how the days should go in my mind, and when it Doesn’t go how I intended it to, I still believe it happened just the way I had imagined. I figure if I live life by the moment and I do not let little things bother me as much as they normally would then this year could end a little better than it started or atleast what it was a few weeks ago.
I hate the fact I have still have mood swings, but I hate who I take them out on the most. And I still don’t understand why I can’t apologize…

Silent Murder

It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song
It’s a quiet failure
It’s the one that makes you strong

We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold

Watch the fire burn out
Watch the curtains slowly close
Waiting on the final words your heart already knows

-Story of the Year

On Your Own

I definately had one of the best weekends. Saturday night was awesome. Callie was celebrating her 18th birthday, and she invited me and a few other girls to go dancing. We decided we would feel a lot better if we were accompanied by a male figure- so Callie called her friend Jason, who has to be one of the funniest guys I have ever met. He agreed to meet us at Hooters since apparently everyone knows where it is located… because of their great tasting wings. We had plenty of time to spare so we went in. All the girls working there had plenty to say to us, and in the end we left with a couple of T-shirts. Now, Callie is pretty set on getting an application there.
We ended up at four different dance clubs that night, but couldn’t get into one. It was a twenty-one and up night; eighteen and up was Sunday night. They were having a ‘naughty school girl’ contest. The winner walks away with $1,000 cash. And another one was just too boring, and we only ‘danced’ for about 45 minutes- if that. I had a wonderful time at Tonic besides the fact that some moron thought he could plant one on me- that was until I dodged it completely, slapped him, and then walked away. I noticed even with a group of friends you are pretty much on your own when it comes to going into a club.

Hidden

I felt every last bit of my stress, frustration, and confusion slip away yesterday. But today I feel it once again, but for other reasons. I am so happy and so depressed at the same time. Someone tell me there is something wrong with me. Or atleast try to give me answers I just cannot find…

Out of Place

Life is eating away at me. I honestly do not know what is wrong with me. I am so scared I am going to lose a part of me, and that piece will never be replaced- I know it. I try to figure things out for an hour, and then waste an hour thinking about how easy it is to get caught up in something that takes over your life. I think about everything every moment. I do not want to be the bad person, but it is already too late. I have no control over what I am doing- Its like I am watching myself from another person.
I am in love- I have been for over a year… And I am watching it die. All because I am too confused about everything to try and save it.
I cannot do this anymore. Why can’t I find the right words to make him understand where I am coming from?- Why can’t I find the right words to even convince myself? If I don’t know my own reasons for this, then why in the world did I do it in the first place? Why can’t I get an answer from someone- anyone?

I miss you… Jeramy.